In the “Just for Fun” category.
WordPress comes with something called Akismet, which does a pretty good job of filtering out spam comments. But every once in a while, a real comment gets thrown into spam, so I scan through them occasionally to see. Some of these are funny / stupid / amazing.
The general idea seems to be that “If I say something nice about you, you’ll undoubtedly let my comment stand, so that I can get a link to my unsavoury site on your blog.” Examples, with my comment following:
“I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I don’t know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you are not already Cheers!” — Why should I value your opinion if you don’t even know how you ended up here?
“You are a very intelligent person!” — Thank you. I’d like to think I’m too intelligent to post a link from someone who wants me to buy Facebook fans. Maybe you should try spamming someone dumber. 🙂
“You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the information I already searched everywhere and just could not come across. What a perfect website.” — For some reason I found it funny that you spammed this comment on a post titled, “Sin Makes Us Stupid.”
Others don’t seem quite so complimentary:
“Next time Someone said your blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me just as much as this one. I am talking about, It was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to convey. All I hear is a number of whining about something you could fix should you werent too busy seeking attention.” — Don’t worry, mate, I won’t whine about your comment. I quite enjoyed it, and have put it here for all my readers to see. I do have one interesting thing to convey, though — I did fix it so your link isn’t going on my blog.
“What can I say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me this won’t.” — Thanks, it’s mutual. 🙂
Spam for Cowards
So, for the blogger who wants to be flattered OR the blogger who wants to be insulted, there’s a spammer to fit every need. Or even a spammer for the blogger who wants to insult his readers but doesn’t have the courage — the spammer will do it for you:
“I was actually excited enough to drop a comment. I actually do have a few questions for you if it’s okay. Is it simply me or do some of the remarks look like written by brain dead folks?” — This was probably not submitted by a human spammer, but a spam-bot. Which is, of course, brain-dead.
“i never noticed until now, but most of the people who comment on here are super obnoxious. i’m sorry.” — So are most of the spam-bots. I’m sorry.
Please Try Harder
Of course, there’s the “Huh? I thought the goal was to fool me into thinking this is a legit comment” category:
“HUHyC”– HUH, indeed. Is that really all you have to say?
“not every person would need to have a nose job but my girlfriend genuinely needs some rhinoplasty coz her nose is kind of crooked” — I bet yours will be crooked, too, after her brother breaks it for you for making that kind of comment in a public forum.
“mnbvcxz0030” — Thanks for the insight. I never saw it that way before. I doubt I shall ever see it that way again.
“salutations from across the sea. interesting post I will return for more.” — Across the sea? Listen, mate, when spreading spam links for your UK site, I suggest you use this line on non-UK sites because, well, it sounds kind of stupid otherwise.
The Spammers’ Favourite Post
For some reason, the post that gets the most spam of all is titled “Light Posting” and says this:
Just a quick note to say that a combination of jet lag, some pretty unpleasant dental work, and other stuff is why I’ve gone silent here the last few days. I should be posting again before too long. Thanks for your patience.
Yes, that’s one I expected to bring a lot of comments, so it really is a good idea to spam it. One of my favourites on this post:
“I also know that without the help of one very special person, Jackie, you could not have made this happen.” — Please remind me, was Jackie responsible for the jet lag or for the unpleasant dental work?
Why Did you Choose THAT Post?
Sometimes, the spam wouldn’t be quite so stupid or hilarious, but it fell on just the right post:
“I believe one of your commercials triggered my web browser to resize, you might want to put that on your blacklist” — On “Ads are Now Blocked”, where I told my readers there wouldn’t be any ads on the blog going forward.
“organic foods to lose weight fast” — on a post titled “Appearances Matter”
“It seems so” — On a post titled “Are Your Feet of Clay Showing?”
And Finally — I Saved This Guy’s Life
“I must show thanks to the writer just for rescuing me from this particular issue. Just after researching throughout the online world and obtaining thoughts that were not beneficial, I figured my entire life was done. Being alive devoid of the approaches to the difficulties you have solved through your good guideline is a crucial case, and ones that could have in a wrong way damaged my entire career if I hadn’t come across your blog.” — I see. If I hadn’t saved his life, his entire career would have been damaged. I guess some people are more successful when dead and others — aren’t.
There’s more that could be said, but time and patience fails me. Hopefully, this post in future will receive comments something like this: “Your own natural talent and kindness in maneuvering almost everything was tremendous.”